The Ashes Blog has obtained rather dodgy security footage of the theft of England team notes on how to dismiss the Aussie batsmen. Stolen from the team dressing rooms late at night, they were quickly handed to the media for distribution.
We can now exclusively reveal the culprit in this cunning plan:
England: 159
Australia: 2/48
The series is all over as far as a final result is concerned, but the Boxing Day Test in Melbourne is always special, and with the forthcoming retirements of a couple of old Aussies this one’s particularly ’shuper’ (thank you, Richie). Around 4 million fans turned up at the ‘G today, and although not quite a ground record, it certainly added a bit of atmosphere to the place.
England batted first on what turned out to be a bowlers wicket. They started off ok, although the scoring rate was dreadfully slow, chugging along at just 2 runs an over. It looked like Adelaide all over again, especially once the wickets started to fall. Warnie picked up his 700th with a ripper of a delivery to clean bowl Andrew Strauss for 50, and from there it was all Australia. Pietersen continues to impress with the bat, leaving most people wondering why he doesn’t come in at number 3 or 4. Glenn McGrath didn’t get amongst the wickets today, but his solitary dismissal of Mahmood gave him 150 wickets against England. Well done, Ooh Aah!
Chris Read came into the squad as replacement for Geraint Jones, and immediately had an impact. He made just 3 runs, but that’s, like, 300% more runs than Jones made in two innings at Perth. Someone has mentioned that the England bowlers don’t really like the new guy, so we’ll have to watch out for any signs of team disharmony over the coming days.
The Australians started off really well, but with the late dismissal of Langer and nightwatchman Lee, England were able to get some positives out of the day. If the tourists can grab a few quick ones tomorrow morning then they might be a chance. But, as seems more likely, Australia put on a bit of a run feast, then it’s pretty much all over.
In the Book of Matthew, Jesus Christ outlined a form of prayer that we know as The Lord’s Prayer. He said that this was a good place to start as a model for how we should pray. Here, then, is a Prayer for England:
Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Duncan came, his will was done,
Getting Giles and Jones in the team.
Give us this day our daily rumour about Michael Vaughan returning soon,
And lead KP not into temptation,
But deliver him from Warnie.
For Pietersen thinks he is the greatest player who has ever lived,
And Simon Jones seems to be injured for ever and ever.
Amen.
The time has come, Mr Jones, for you to move on. You came in as a replacement ‘keeper for Mr Read, and your performance hasn’t been good enough. You seem like a nice bloke, and you’ve done well to graduate from playing grade cricket in Brisbane to the international stage, but you’ve got some work to do. Martin Johnson from The Age put it this way:
“… when you go into a series without one of your best bowlers because he can’t bat, while selecting a wicketkeeper who can’t catch, you’re inclined towards the feeling that England got what it deserved.”
Since last year’s Ashes series, Mr Jones, you have averaged just 16.7 in 14 Tests. You continue to drop the ball behind the stumps, you’ve messed up a stumping or two, and your run out on Monday morning was the result of carelessness on your part.
Nor am I alone in this assessment. Simon Briggs thinks so, as does The Times, and The Corridor.
Go back to Kent, work hard at your game, and there’s every chance that we’ll see a new and vastly improved Geraint Jones in 2009. In the meantime it’s up to Mr Read, and then perhaps Mr Foster, to have a go.
Farewell, Mr Jones. And please, leave those gloves on the table on your way out.
Australia: 5/527 dec.
England: 1/19
What a day! Michael Clarke scored his second century in as many Tests, Mike Hussey continued his Ashes run feast with another hundred, and then Adam Gilchrist came on and took 57 balls to score the second fastest century in Test match history (Vic Richards put on a century against England in 1986 in just 56 balls). I was having dinner with my wife and my parents at the time, so I didn’t get to see much of it. Gilchrist scored so quickly that when we started our meal he was just 12 years old and captain of the Deniliquin South Primary School team. When we tuned in 30 minutes later he’d knocked up a hundred against England, and quite possibly sealed the Ashes for Australia. You can see a ‘wagon wheel’ of his scoring shots here. Will over at The Corridor called it “an umissable horror show”. For the Australian fans it was like watching a Hollywood feel-good movie, only better because there was no Meg Ryan.
I thought England’s bowling was generally pretty good, especially Panesar early in the day. However, England just couldn’t make the most of their opportunities, with Jones making a mess of what should have been an easy stumping when Clarke was on 2. No big deal … the Aussie number 5 only went on to make 135 not out. And then there were a couple of dropped catches – Jones (again!!) had to almost push Kevin Pietersen out of the way to get to a skied hook from Hussey, and the ball promptly went to ground. Then Strauss dropped one at first slip, and watched the ball race away to the boundary. Then there were the dropped catches in the crowd from Gilly’s sixes – all four of them.
What now for England? Well, they basically need to try and bat for as long as possible. That shouldn’t be too difficult on this track, as it has flattened out a fair bit. If they can keep their heads on, they should be able to put a few decent partnerships together. Although an England victory seems about as close to impossible as you can get, if they bat smart they should be able to take the match into the fifth day, and then who knows, maybe they can hold on for a draw. Then again, it could all be over by tea on Sunday.
Unlike last year’s “friendly Ashes”, things haven’t been too friendly out on the field this year, with the Aussies being particularly talkative. Geraint Jones has been affectionately dubbed the “club pro”, leading to comments like, “Hey Warnie, do you want an extra short leg in for the club pro?” Jones hasn’t taken to this too well, and so remained inside the club rooms when his teammates came out on to the ground at the end of play on day five to shake hands with the Australians. Even best mates Pietersen and Warne have been locking horns.
The original “Captain Grumpy” must be proud of his young padawans.
For a few examples of classic sledging, try The Corridor, the BBC, and Vivek’s blog.
My father-in-law once wrote a book called “The end is near … or is it?” He could have been talking about England and their chances this series. The end may very well be near as England now face their own apocalypse. On the other hand, talk of England’s doom may be premature. The Gabba Test may already be lost, but I don’t think the series is over just yet. They’ll need to spend a few days in ICU to mend their scars, and if that is successful then they may yet fight back.
Here in Brisbane it has been a brutally brilliant display from the Aussies, and a woeful performance from England. After Australia had made 9/602 declared, England could only reach 157 – the fourth-greatest deficit in Test history and the highest in an Ashes Test. Meanwhile, Billy Bowden copped one himself whilst umpiring at square leg, and ended up on the ground with a nasty bruise.
Glenn McGrath was the hero, taking 6 for 50. Not bad, for an old bloke. Together with Stuart Clark and Brett Lee, they made the pitch look dangerous … a batsman’s nightmare. When the Aussies subsequently went out to bat after controversially choosing not to enforce the follow-on, they returned it to paradise. Batting again, Australia was 1/181 at the end of play. The contrast between these two sides could not have been more obvious.
“It was a walk in the park. I was ready to go straightaway. But we thought we’d bat again and get the cracks a bit wider … bat today and a bit of tomorrow.”
- Glenn McGrath
There’s been a bit of talk about whether Ponting’s decision was the right one. Toby Forage at the Fox Sports cricket blog can’t understand why they would allow England’s bowlers some extra practice time out in the middle, nor why they would want to use McGrath’s bowling in the fourth innings when the Adelaide Test starts just a few days after this one.
But there is reason here. It will allow the Aussie top order the opportunity to further undermine England’s bowlers, and further drain the visitors of any remaining confidence. It will make England’s batsmen do some more running around in the field beneath a hot Brisbane sun. And it will allow the Australians, particularly the under-used Shane Warne, to bowl last on a slowly disintegrating wicket. As The Age put it, it’s like pulling the wings of flies. It’s slow, torturous, and effective.
All up, I think it was the right thing to do.
What do others say?
The Times: Ageless McGrath dismantles woeful England
The Sunday Mail: Old heads too good
Sydney Morning Herald: Preparation costs Harmison
The Telegraph: England’s barmy plan suits Ponting fine
Test Match Special blog: England are playing for pride
I thought it would be interesting to do a statistical comparison of the two sides to see how they will fare against each other, statistically speaking. What I’ve done is add up the batting averages for all 11 players in each side to give a team batting average. I’ve then added up the bowling averages for Australia and England, and this gives us a team bowling average. To the Australian batting averages I added the England team bowling average to give a final total (and vice versa for England). So if a side has a very good, and therefore low, bowling average then they won’t be adding too many runs to the oppositions total team average, so it seems to me like a fair comparison: Read the rest of this entry »
After playing as England’s keeper in both of the tour matches so far, Geraint Jones has been confirmed as wicket keeper for the First Test in Brisbane. Fletcher and Flintoff felt that Jones would handle the pressure better and be a more useful number 7 than Chris Read, although most people would say that Read is the more talented of the two behind the stumps.
The English are also thinking about playing both Ashley Giles and Monty Panesar in a few Tests together, though I’d be surprised if they only went with the 3 quicks in Brisbane. There’s been a bit of stormy, humid weather around here lately so I’d reckon the blokes who can swing the ball could have a little more success than the tweakers.
