England: 110
Australia: 1/111

They lost the Test series 5-0, and now the England team are reaching for the heady heights of absolute, total, 100% complete incompetence. I didn’t think it was possible, but somehow this side has reached a new low.

The total of 110 was England’s fourth lowest in one-day international history. Ian Bell top scored with 35, while the out of form Andrew Strauss was the second highest scorer with 17.

“Flintoff’s side produced the most lamentable display of batting seen from an international team in the antipodes for a quarter of century. Nothing springs to mind that can be compared with this awful performance from a precious, pampered and overpaid outfit that showed none of the fighting spirit so long associated with their country. If a visiting side has batted any worse in the past 25 years, then it has slipped from memory. It is hard to believe that Zimbabwe at their lowest point or Bangladesh in their earliest incarnations were so easily swept aside.”
- Peter Roebuck, The Age

Paul Nixon typified the effort - with England 9 wickets down and Monty Panesar at the non-striker’s end, the English ‘keeper flicked the ball out to deep mid-wicket. It was an easy single, but he said no, preferring to keep the strike. Now, Nixon has hardly set the world on fire with his batting (though his sledging did fire up Mike Hussey), averaging 6.80 for the series. Monty Panesar is averaging 6.00, so there’s not all that much between them. It was, at the very least, worth trying to score as many runs as possible rather than merely occupy the crease. But no, Paul Nixon was in and he was going to save the day for Queen and Country.

The very next ball Nixon got a leading edge and was easily caught and bowled by Brad Hogg. It was that sort of day.

New Zealand: 210
England: 120

England, are you Bangladesh in disguise??!

This same question was asked of the Australian team in 2005, and now it’s England’s turn as they lost another one at the Adelaide Oval.

Granted, the Kiwis bowled and fielded very well … they’ve obviously been going hard at their fielding drills since their loss to Australia. And if their top order can get some runs, then they could be a pretty decent squad, and tough to beat.

As for England, well things just aren’t getting any better for them. They’re now sitting at the bottom of the one-day series table, and desperately need the most unlikely of wins over the Australians on Friday to get them back into contention for the finals.

1. Australia regains the Ashes
It was only 15 months ago that England was celebrating, but the Aussies took just 1 ball from Steve Harmison to get the Ashes back.

2. England’s injuries
Several of England’s top players were injured during the year, including Michael Vaughan, Simon Jones, Freddie Flintoff, Ashley Giles, and James Anderson. In a double blow for England, Giles and Anderson recovered in time for the first Test in Brisbane.

3. Shane Warne bags 700
The world’s greatest leg spinner finally made it to 700. He also took his 700th wicket.

4. England crumble in Adelaide
The England team declared at 6 for 551 in the first innings, the entire cricket world was anticipating a draw, but mighty England managed to pull off an unlikely loss.

5. Monty Panesar takes 8 on debut
English spinning sensation Monty Panesar grabbed 8 wickets in his first Test against Australia, prompting Ian Thorpe to say that “Monty is fully Sikh!”
(Local Aussie humour … click here for an explanation, or just move on to the next one.)

6. Australia wins 10 out 10
In stark contrast to last year’s Ashes result, Australia won all 10 Tests this year, whilst England won just 4 out of 14 (it becomes 5 out of 14 if you include the match Darrell Hair forfeited on Pakistan’s behalf).

7. The defection of Troy
When Troy Cooley moved back to Australia, England’s bowling squad promptly fell to pieces, Australia benefited, and there was something about a big wooden horse. Or maybe that was just in the movie.

8. The blame game
Apparently England’s poor form was due to Duncan Fletcher, the ECB, the wives and girlfriends of the England players, and David Beckham. The players themselves had nothing to do with it.

9. The end of an era
Cricket legends Warne and McGrath announced their retirement from Test Match cricket, prompting wild celebrations from England fans and Stuart MacGill.

10. Australia’s one-day win at the Champions Trophy
It was only a one-dayer, but Australia’s 6 wicket win over England in October gave the Australians extra confidence, and planted the seeds of doubt in the minds of the England players, especially Mr Harmison.

Are there any other big Ashes moments that you’d like to add to this list?

Graham Thorpe wants Ashley Giles to retire from international cricket:

“I’ve been consistent in calling for Monty Panesar to play in this series, but I’d go one further than that and say it’s time for Ashley Giles to quit.”
- Graham Thorpe

I think that’s going too far. Ashley Giles needs to keep his place in the England team, for Australia’s sake. Monty Panesar hasn’t yet shown all that much on his brief tour of Australia, but what if the young Sikh can actually take wickets? And even worse, what if Panesar defies the critics and holds onto a catch? Not just any old catch, but a significant, series-changing catch?

Back in 2005 Shane Warne was being told that he dropped the Ashes, allowing the Poms to hold on for a draw in the fifth Test and regain the Ashes for the first time in 5,000 years. Now it’s Ashley Giles’ turn, even though we’re only up to the second Test and, mathematically speaking, England can still fight back and win this series. At the end of the third day, Simon Briggs had this to say in the Telegraph:

“… the feeling persisted that Giles’s aberration could end up being the decisive moment in this match, as emblematic in its own way as Steve Harmison’s first-ball wide at Brisbane.
… If this Test should end up as a stalemate, Giles’s drop will join a long list of infamous missed chances over the course of Ashes history.”

If only Simon Briggs knew then that this Test would not merely “end up as a stalemate”, but would go on to become one of the most demoralising defeats ever faced by an England XI. If only Giles knew how significant that moment would become. If only.

There was talk before the series of England having a fresh chance at success in Australia, as most of the side had not previously played an Ashes series Down Under so were unscarred by previous defeats. That no longer applies. The entire England squad have now been into surgery, sedated under a general anaesthetic, cut open, stitched up, and they’re now lying in their beds in recovery at The Adelaide Oval Hospital. If all goes well the players hope to be back out on the field in Perth next week. They will be able to walk, but their scars will be obvious, and perhaps a little tender, for some time yet.

Australia certainly bowled well yesterday, but England also contributed to their own downfall, as Greg Baum points out:

Three top-order wickets fell to outrageously attacking shots, another was a botch of a run-out. Kevin Pietersen fell prey to vanity. Warne left deep mid-wicket open, so Pietersen played the sweep, the shot he had eschewed for 6½ hours in the first innings, and was bowled — off-stump — behind his legs.

Captain Andrew Flintoff chased a wide ball, wicketkeeper Geraint Jones an even wider ball.
- The Age

So who’s to blame for all of this mess? Coach Duncan Fletcher must surely bare some criticism, although most would agree that it was really only Ashley Giles and James Anderson who were in doubt. If Panesar was playing in Giles’ place, would that have made a difference? I doubt it, as it was really the fault of England’s batsmen here, not their bowlers … although one wonders what might have been if the King of Spain had held on to that catch to dismiss Ricky Ponting.

Over at The Corridor blog, Scott suggests that Super Fred is the one to blame, for he should have set some goals for his batsmen first thing in the morning. Instead, they seemed intent on simply sticking around and wasting time. That wasn’t enough.

Simon Barnes, writing in The Times, said:

This was not an error of tactics, it was losing your head. That is the point that England must confront in the week ahead, before they get back down to business in Perth. They cannot hide behind the excellence of the Australia bowlers and must contemplate their own collective and individual failing of nerve.

… It is unusual, to the point of uniqueness, for a team to lose from England’s position of dominance, but it will require something still more remarkable if they are to get anything from this series. It looks as if the Ashes are gone.
- The Times

Is this series now out of England’s reach? Mike Dickson, writing in England’s Daily Mail, thinks so, and it would certainly seem that way. They look a mess, and this loss will scar them deeply. But then on day four of the 2nd Test I was saying that this 2nd Test was heading for a draw, giving only a 1% chance of victory to either side. But 1% was all that the Australian side needed. Can England do likewise?

England: 129
Australia: 4/168

Australia wins by 6 wickets

How did this happen??!!

This would have to go down as one of the most remarkable wins ever … up there with India’s wins over Australia in 2001 and 2005. At the start of the day we were all expecting a bland draw. Maybe England would try and go for quick runs, declare, and set Australia a total to chase, but that seemed unlikely. But after seeing both sides cruise past 500 in their first dig, I can not understand how England could be strangled to the point that they are all out for 129 from 73 overs.

Shane Warne was the chief destroyer with 4 for 49, but the Aussie quicks were brilliant as well, cutting England’s run supply and causing the tourists to make careless errors with the bat. Although the wickets were useful, I think it was the uber-slow scoring rate that really ended England. It was “active euthanasia” in so much as they brought on their own death by doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. If they had added another 50 runs, or batted for another hour, they would have been safe. If I were an England cricket fan I would be demanding a Royal Commission.

Paul Collingwood was the hero in the first innings with a brilliantly created double century. In the second innings, post-Aussie victory, he is the villain who faced 119 balls, made just 22 runs, and exposed the fragile English lower order to the wily deception of Messrs Warne and McGrath. I think he’ll have a bit on his mind tonight.

Then there was the England bowling. Lacking in venom, bite, and a decent spinner, Flintoff had no-one to turn to but himself. Harmison was offering nothing, and Giles never looked like giving the ball the magic it had when in the hands of Shane Warne.

So, where to now for England? What do they have to do to get themselves back into this series?

Australia 513
England: 1/59

It was a tough day for the English bowlers, and a day of redemption for Australia’s batsmen. Michael Clarke showed that his place in the team is warranted with a well crafted 124, his improved batting apparently the result of a chat over dinner with Shane Warne on Sunday night. Adam Gilchrist also showed that he’s not quite finished yet with 64.

This Test has been spoken of as being a repeat of the Edgbaston Test, so on day two I made a few predictions. As per Edgbaston 2005, I said that Australia would finish up roughly 100 runs behind England … they did better than that, and were only 38 behind. I also said that Ponting would top score for the Aussies (as he did at Edgbaston), and that Adam Gilchrist would finally make a few runs, which he did. Although one wonders if Gilly would have had the same success if Flintoff had been bowling, as the big Lancastrian was unable to bowl for much of the day.

Shane Warne continues to show his all-round ability, as he became only the sixth man to have taken 300 Test wickets and score 3000 runs. That puts him in the same category as Ian Botham, Imran Khan and Kapil Dev (although Warne’s batting average is far lower than the other players in this exclusive group). But at least he got there, so good on ya, Warnie!

For the English, Matthew Hoggard was the hero, as he bagged 7 wickets for the innings. Given that only 17 wickets have been taken across 4 days of Test match cricket, I’d say that’s a fantastic effort from the English swinger. Amongst the other bowlers, Harmison went wicketless, though his much improved line and length will give him some confidence for the next 3 games. Giles and Anderson were also made to look pretty ordinary on this pitch, but then so did most of Australia’s bowlers, so it’s difficult to learn too much from this effort.

What can we look forward to on day five? Well, in my view there’s a 98% chance that this game will head for a draw, a 1% chance that England will win and a 1% chance that Australia will win. If England wants to level the series they will have to make 200 runs in the first session (I reckon that would be a little over 6 runs an over), declare, and then take 10 Aussie wickets in just 2 sessions. I can’t see that happening. If Australia wants to win then they would need to take another 9 scalps before lunch, whilst restricting England’s scoring, and then try and get the runs in the final 2 sessions. (Cue the Mission Impossible soundtrack) The only other option is that England offers a sporting declaration with, say, a 200 run lead, and then give Australia 40 overs to get them. The Australians would be tempted by the offer, risky chances would be taken, and just maybe England could grab the wickets they need. Or perhaps Australia would get the runs. Frankly, I just don’t think Flintoff and the England management would have the courage to do that, so it looks like we’ve got a draw coming up.

Australia: 5/312

Following the example of Pietersen and Collingwood, the Aussie pair of Ponting and Hussey put on a batting show with a 192 run partnership. The Australian captain knocked up his 33rd Test century, and is now Australia’s most prolific century-maker. It was his 7th for 2006, and he can thank Ashley Giles for giving him the opportunity. The English spinner dropped a fairly easy chance on the deep square leg boundary when Ponting was just 35 and the Australians were already 3 wickets down with just 78 runs on the board. Did Ashley Giles drop England’s chance at victory?

Hayden and Martyn were both dismissed cheaply early on in the day, and both will be under pressure to keep their spot in the team. Hayden will probably be ok for a little while yet, though Martyn may have to make room for the return of Shane Watson for the Perth Test.

At the close of play it was Michael Clarke and Adam Gilchrist at the crease, and is as nor the norm with England, the Aussie keeper was under attack from the start with the English quicks coming at him from around the wicket. So far Gilly has been able to hold them at bay and look almost comfortable. He’ll need to stay in there for quite a while on day four if he’s to help his side close in on England’s formidable total.

As for England, today was a pretty good effort from (almost) all of them. Hoggard was brilliant with the ball, taking 4 wickets, Harmison looked to be in control, and Flintoff led well with some effective bowling changes and field placements. They’ll be feeling pretty good about themselves, but they haven’t yet won this Test. Apart from the first hour or so with the new ball, it’s pretty difficult to get a wicket on this deck, so they’ll need to do well if they want to grab another 15 Aussie wickets before the end of the day on Tuesday. Frankly, I don’t think they can do it.

England: 6/551 dec.
Australia: 1/28

In the Australian Football League, the Collingwood Football Club has a theme song - “Good old Collingwood forever … we know how to play the game.” If he knows that song, I reckon Paul Collingwood, England’s emergency fill-in, will be singing that number well into the night.

It certainly was Collingwood’s day, as he scored only the fifth double century by an Englishman in Australia. He was finally dismissed with a lazy swing outside off, but it didn’t matter by then as he and Kevin Pietersen had shared in a record 314 run fourth wicket stand. Pietersen himself was dismissed for the third time on 158 (he made exactly the same score in the final Test of 2005’s epic series against Australia).

Flintoff and Giles came together at the end to slowly take the score along to 6 for 551, at which point Freddie made a smart declaration. This gave the Australians 9 overs to survive, and Langer didn’t make it, as he was dismissed by a brute of a delivery from the England captain. However, Ponting and Hayden were able to knock up a few boundaries, and despite the pressure being mounted by the tourists, took the total to 28 without further loss.

So what will tomorrow hold? Well, if Adelaide really is a repeat of the Edgbaston 2005 Test, then I would expect the Aussies to be dismissed for a hundred or so runs short of the Poms. Ponting will top score, and Adam Gilchrist will actually get a few runs on the board. But I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

England: 3/266

So, England do know how to play this game after all. Flintoff won the toss, and England enjoyed the luxury of batting on a belter of a pitch. Things started slowly, and with Strauss and Cook gone cheaply, I thought they might have been in a bit of trouble. But with Bell, Collingwood, and finally Pietersen putting some big runs on the board, they were able to take control.

We can never tell quite how well England has done until the Australians get out there and have a bat, which I would expect would be some time late on day two. Whether that’s a result of an England declaration (they would need to score quickly if that’s the case … needing at least 500 on the board), or being knocked over, if the Aussies don’t commence their innings until day three then I doubt there will be enough time for a result and England would have wasted this perfect start.

Collingwood and Pietersen once again played the kind of smart, determined cricket that they showed on day four in Brisbane. They started extremely slowly, but were eventually able to get a few boundaries, whilst the man the Aussies call The Ego (Pietersen) had an intriguing battle with Warne. The ascendency moved back and forth between the two friends, although one wonders if that friendship might have been put on hold for now.

Meanwhile, Collingwood, who would have been 12th man if Marcus Trescothick had not gone home, is within sight of his first Ashes century, after scoring 96 in the first Test. If Trescothick’s depression is their heavy cloud, then Collingwood is the silver lining. He’s the gritty, determined player that England needs in their middle order, and so far, the Australians haven’t quite figured him out.

The big talking point at the start of the innings was the England lineup. For the second Test in a row, Duncan Fletcher has surprised us all by leaving Monty Panesar out of the side. That may yet prove to be a monumentous mistake:

“Monty Panesar, on the other hand, is just the kind of attacking bowler England needs at present. With the Adelaide Oval wicket turning sharply, even on day one, Panesar’s more aggressive approach to finger spin seemed far more likely to unsettle Australia’s batsmen, especially on the evidence of his net sessions this week, when he appeared to have regained the flight absent in recent tour matches.”
- The Age

The next few days may yet prove Fletcher’s decision to be the right one, though I very much doubt it. It’s possible that Fletcher is obsessed with maintaining the same XI, which he did with much success in the 2005 series. But things are different now, and Fletcher has to recognise that.